The U.N. that is my furniture

I went looking for a coffee table the other day. Because I needed one.

I'm going to let you in on a secret.

Wal-Mart, Kmart, Target and their ilk are great if you want to buy things made in China. If you can't bear the thought of having to pay a little more for a towel, so that someone can earn a living wage, you should jump into the SUV, drive on down to one of those stores and fill your vehicle to the rafters.

I went to Wal-Mart looking for a coffee table. I ended up visiting Kmart and Target as well during my search for a coffee table.

Apparently the Chinese don't know what the heck a coffee table is. In the United States, a coffee table is a low, flat table that often sits in the No Man's Land that exists between the TV and the sofa. You put magazines, food, drinks, remote controls and such on the coffee table. Sometimes, in moments of wild abandon, you put your feet on it.

At a massive Wal-Mart in northern New Jersey, I couldn't find a coffee table. Bookcases, end tables, lamps and entertainment consoles? Yes. Coffee tables? No. So I went to Target. I found a coffee table there. It was about three feet tall, three feet wide and nine inches deep.

Gymnasts might be able to rest their feet on such a coffee table. The rest of us would put it just inside the door and use it to put the mail and the car keys on. At that point I gave up in massive disgust.

Heading out of the shopping center -- truly a most excellent shopping center in all other regards -- I pulled into Pier 1 Imports. Just in case. You know how it is. If you don't try every possible store, you won't be able to take the moral high ground.

I was helped by a clerk who was about 6' 5". As I have known several people of that height, all of whom couldn't play basketball and had no desire to, I refrained from the idiotic and obvious "Wow! You're tall. Did you know that? Do you play basketball? You'd probably be really good at it."

(As a sidebar, can you imagine what would happen if you said the above to someone who was black? Let me try. "Wow! You're black. Did you know that? Do you play basketball? You'd probably be really good at it.")

See? Stupid, isn't it. That's why you should think before you speak. Unless you've been drinking. If you have, go ahead and make an ass out of yourself.

Anyway, back to the matter at hand: the coffee table. The clerk was actually helpful. Can you imagine? A clerk who didn't treat me with surly indifference or fawning lickspittleness. Astonishing.

I guess there is a tiny little bit of hope for the world.

And I now have a coffee table that came from Brazil. Isn't that swell? I've got dishes from China, a coffee table from Brazil. The computer was assembled in Mexico. Jesus Jumping Christ, my things travel more than I do.