Alex's Blog

Ahhhh!!!!

2005-03-09T09:15:00.000-05:00

Well, almost a month and no posts. It's been a busy time. I'm planning a move to an apartment closer to work. Check back soon.

The danger of TV

2005-02-11T11:55:00.000-05:00

Recently took to disking all my tapes to DVD. It's like trying to glue 5,000 individual staples together into one long U-shaped sleeve.

And, of course, while disking all the tapes (midway through Farscape), I'm also trying to disk various current programs.

The most vexing aspect of this is the hunt for the two or three episodes I still need in several programs. I just got the final episode I was hunting for of "Mission Hill." I still have two or three episodes of "The Venture Brothers" to get. And so on.

And now I'm running into the same problem with the DVDs that I had with the VHS tapes: where to put them all?

Snow Day and Johnny Carson...

2005-01-24T13:19:00.000-05:00

I should be so lucky! The snow fell one day too early. If it had fallen Sunday afternoon, I would have been able to stay home and watch tv. But, no ...

Sigh.

And Johnny Carson has died. I notice that none of the major media outlets is mentioning Carson's role in providing a forum to help debunk Uri Geller and Peter Popoff. How sad. Perhaps it's professional jealousy. I mean, it's not like the media did anything themselves ...

One big jerk ...

2005-01-20T13:51:00.000-05:00

Yes, I could be talking about how to remove a Band-Aid or about Inauguration Day.

Actually, both.

Now that the last particularly unpleasant part of the re-election is over, I can focus on other things.

1460 days to go.

I hope I'm still here when the counter reaches zero.

Black sheets of rain ...

2005-01-14T11:43:00.000-05:00

I'm in a Bob Mould state of mind right now. The commute to work was like going through a car wash. Of course everyone's brains fall out of their heads when there's rain coming down. There are benefits, however. You get the damnedest thoughts.

My damnedest thought? Okay, security for the Inauguration is going to be tighter than imaginable. If someone farts three security dogs will tear the offender apart.

So what's to stop al Qaida (who is, of course, under every rock and behind every tree, just like the Communists of the 1950s) from blowing up something in Portland, Oregon, or Boise, Idaho? You know, some middling city that everyone's heard of.

Coffee used to be fun ...

2005-01-13T13:24:00.000-05:00

The other day I stopped in a coffee shop in Princeton for some coffee. The guy behind the counter was about 19. Smooth, unlined face; thin, lanky body. He only charged me for a small coffee even though I got a medium. I hate pleasant, young, good-looking people.

Just wait. In 80 years, he's going to look like crap!

Like crap! Do you hear?

I'm having a much better day than that guy ...

2005-01-11T10:01:00.000-05:00

On my way into work this morning I saw a car on fire in a parking lot. I think I've been present for a total of two car fires in my entire life.

So today was pretty unusual in that regard.

The part that struck me as odd was that the car's engine compartment was on fire, and there were cars on either side of it. Can you imagine being one of those poor bastards?

"Phil, what the hell happened to your car? The left side looks all funny."

"Yeah, some guy next to me in the parking lot had his car catch on fire."

"She-it, Phil. You're gonna have a hell of a time with the insurance company on that one."

So I can't really complain too much about today. (At least for now.)

I think it's about time to leave...

2005-01-07T11:23:00.000-05:00

Read this in the NY Times today. I'm only going to post the first two paragraphs:

Warning From a Student of Democracy's Collapse
By Chris Hedges

PRINCETON, N.J. -- Fritz Stern, a refugee from Hitler's Germany and a leading scholar of European history, startled several of his listeners when he warned in a speech about the danger posed in this country by the rise of the Christian right. In his address in November, just after he received a prize presented by the German foreign minister, he told his audience that Hitler saw himself as "the instrument of providence" and fused his "racial dogma with a Germanic Christianity."

"Some people recognized the moral perils of mixing religion and politics," he said of prewar Germany, "but many more were seduced by it. It was the pseudo-religious transfiguration of politics that largely ensured his success, notably in Protestant areas."

I've been thinking seriously about getting out of the United States. And following the Democrats pathetically weak response to the voting irregularities in Ohio, I'm becoming more and more convinced that this country is really going crazy. This piece in the Times only nudges me farther down that path. I think I'd better start studying French and researching emigrating to Canada.

Be careful what you wish for ...

2005-01-05T16:05:00.000-05:00

So tomorrow is the day. Either one (or more) senators will back the objections over the Ohio Electoral Votes being raised by the House of Representatives, or no senators will back the objections.

So what happens if Ohio is declared a fraud?

Considering John Kerry's (in)action to these events, I cringe to consider the effect of a Kerry presidency. He's lost any sort of street cred. He practically raced to throw in the towel. He won't even be in Washington on Jan. 6.

I suspect the Green and Libertarian parties are going to see a lot of interest after this.

A new year ...

2005-01-05T14:26:00.000-05:00

A new year.

Let me share a meme.

When I was in first grade, my teacher Mrs. Ellis handed out some papers for the class to fill out. One part was for the date. And for where the year went, the space read:

19__

And every time I saw that on a sheet of paper, I would think about how far away the year 2000 was. I had images in my mind of all those forms going bad, just like the milk in the refrigerator, when the clock ticked into 2000.

I just looked in my checkbook. "Date _____________"

There's something a little too flat about that. I hope the printing plants start cranking out the 20_______-type documents soon.

More New York Times annoyance

2004-12-29T14:32:00.000-05:00

Today's NY Times has an op-ed piece by Simon Winchester, author of a book about Krakatoa.

In the middle of the op-ed, Winchester throws in the following line:

As every American schoolchild knows, the most notorious rupture of this same fault occurred nearly a century ago, at 5:12 a.m. on April 18, 1906 - an occurrence now known around the world as the great San Francisco Earthquake.

This is what drives me up the wall about the NY Times. For Winchester to write that "every American schoolchild knows" something is ridiculous. To write such a line about a detail of such minutiae as when an earthquake, even a very powerful one, struck San Francisco is almost delusional. For an editor to let it go by without flagging it is a disgrace. These aren't college students working at the university paper. These are, in theory, the finest journalists in America. They certainly get paid like they're the best. Perhaps they should act like the best.

Closing out the year ...

2004-12-28T13:35:00.000-05:00

How's the line from R.E.M. go? Sweep the floor into the fireplace.

Time to sweep the year away. The traditional weighing of accomplishments against failures. As is often the case, the failures tend to win. Or at least tend to win the PR aspect of the weighing. The year was actually not as bad as 2003. I'm in a better job. I'm living in a nicer place.

I think today's the day of the year that John D. MacDonald died. Not many people remember him, but he was the creator of the Travis McGee series of mysteries. I'll try to put something about MacDonald and McGee onto the blog in 2005.

Thoughts do tend toward the maudlin as the year winds down.

So let me get it out of my system. My list of predictions, questions and resolutions for 2005.

Politics
1. Something bad is going to happen on Inauguration Day. Maybe a suicide bomber will cause a stampede (which will kill more people) in D.C. Maybe the Democrats will successfully challenge the fraudulent vote in Ohio and really gum up the works.
2. The draft will return.
3. Iraq will become even messier. The elections will fail, civil war will begin. Bush will claim it's an unqualified success.
4. (I want my bet down on this ahead of time. In early 2006 Bush will be impeached.)

Weather
1. Lots of hurricanes for the American South.
2. Global Warming will continue to be refuted by the current anti-science administration.

Economy
1. The economy will continue to "improve" even while the working class continues to shrink and middle-classers lose their shirts.
2. Still more economic scandals like the Enron-type ones.
3. The weak dollar will cause double-digit deflation. A lot of people are going to be living in cardboard boxes. Late 2005 will be the time to buy a house. Assuming you have a job. You'll probably be able to get one for a song.
4. If the Social Security privatization occurs, right around mid-2005 will be when the massive, unfixable problems will be uncovered in the new system.

World
1. Terrorist strike. Something just horrible. Sabotage of the power grid, crucified U.S. soldiers in Iraq, something like that.
2. Pandemic. Flu, SARS, something that'll spread like wildfire.

Things I've Really Got to Get Around To
1. Learn French, so I can flee the U.S. before it becomes a police state.
2. Finish transferring all my tapes to DVDs.
3. Work on my TVTome pages.
4. Update my Web site.
5. Do more writing.

I am just going outside, and may be some time ...

2004-12-20T10:49:00.000-05:00

The current temperature is 11 degrees. Getting out of my car this morning I got hit with a blast of cold wind. I'm not talking a nice, slow-moving breeze out of a feminine products commercial. I'm talking about a catabaric wind; I'm surprised it didn't rip the hair off my head.

Last night was even more exciting. I ran out of windshield-washing fluid. At 9 p.m. So I found a gas station and bought some. Please picture the amusing scene: Your Hero, sans gloves, pouring blue fluid into a reservoir. And up comes a gust of wind strong enough to blow most of that blue fluid horizontally. I guess the biggest disappointment is that I didn't manage to somehow spray cold liquid over the engine block, cracking it and rendering the car completely useless.

There's a scene in the movie Planes, Trains and Automobiles where Steve Martin's character declines another character's suggestion that Martin borrow a pair of gloves. Martin's character explains that he's simply going to leave the building, get into a taxi, go to the airport terminal and get on a flight, so why would he need gloves?

It's maybe two minutes from the door of my car to the door of my building at work. And that scene from Planes, Trains and Automobiles went through my head the entire time. Gloves, hat? What am I, weak?

I honestly thought I was going to start crying during the final thirty seconds. Of course, in the universe's way of showing it cares, about ten steps before I reached the outer doors, a particularly strong blast of wind hit me. I almost screamed in pain.

Blake's 7 Nitpicking

2004-12-17T15:29:00.000-05:00

My analysis of the first season of Blake's 7.
With all the nitpicking that people love.

Episode:

The Way Back … Space Fall … Cygnus Alpha …
Time Squad … The Web … Seek-Locate-Destroy …
Mission to Destiny … Duel … Project Avalon …
Breakdown … Bounty … Deliverance … Orac

Episode 1: The Way Back

We meet Roj Blake, mild-mannered citizen of a domed city.

He is taken by two friends to a secret meeting at which it is revealed to him that: 1) He used to be a resistance leader, and 2) His brother and sister living on a colony world are not alive and sending vis-tapes, but are dee-ee-dee dead.

Blake, needing a few minutes to sort all this out, takes a little stroll in the tunnels where the secret meeting is taking place. Blake sees a squad of Federation guards and hides behind a doorway. The resistance group is slaughtered and Blake staggers back to the dome, where he is promptly arrested.

The books are cooked against him, and he is saddled with 11 charges of child molestation. Blake is deported to a penal planet.

Dialogue

Vila: I hate personal violence, especially when I'm the person.

Vila (about the penal planet): It must have something; none of the guests ever leave.

Guard (to Blake): Take a good look. It's the last you'll ever see of it.
Blake: No. I'm coming back.

Boo-boos

Now, it hardly seems fair to critique the first episode. Aside from a few things, it passes muster. For instance, Bad English Teeth will continue far into the future; Blake has an awful lot of fillings.

Some details are exceptional. Blake, charged with child molestation? I think that's a first. And two of the children are boys. Holy Cow! Those BBC people certainly can get graphic when it suits them. I can just imagine all those British mums and dads trying to explain to their twelve-year-old children what Blake did to those boys. "All right! Time for bed. Tomorrow, I want you watching Doctor Who. None of this filth!"

Blake, as is usually the case, is innocent of the charges used to send him away. The only person I can think of on a television series who actually commits the crime he is charged with is the lead character of Kung Fu.

I like how, on leaving the dome, the two people with Blake leave the door open. Not just-a-crack open, either. Apparently Watergate has been forgotten entirely in the future.

When Blake is hiding behind the doorway, his tum-tum doesn't quite get covered. You think the guards would have seen it, but perhaps not. In either case, Gareth Thomas is a stout man. He isn't fat, but he is a big man, and they should have found a doorway that fit or trussed him up.

I have never been in the middle of a massacre, but I would like to think that if guards started shooting at me, I would not just stand there like a dumb pudding, or run around in a circle screaming like an idiot, as the resistance members do.

How sensible is it for Dev (not Del) Tarrant to walk in before Blake passes out, thereby tipping the entire hand?

Kudos to the screaming woman in the prison. Now there's someone who knows how to scream.

Granted, it's a pretty good comeback to the guard's comment, but how likely is it that Blake is going to be "coming back?"
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Episode 2: Space Fall

Blake and his new cronies (Vila Restal, Jenna Stannis, Oleg Gan, Kerr Avon, and a couple of others who will be dead before episode's end so why bother knowing their names) decide to take over the ship. In the rest of the universe, there's a space battle going on between two alien fleets, preparing us for events in the second half of the episode, when the Fates deliver unto Blake a weapon which shall become his Liberator.

Dialogue

Raiker: There are other rules, but you'll find what they are when you break them.

Raiker (to Blake): Something of a come down for a leader of men — molesting kids.

Raiker: You'll come round. I can be very pursuasive.

Blake: You can't afford to be choosy.
Avon: Why else am I talking to you?

Blake (about Avon being Number Two): Who's Number One?
Vila: The guy who caught him.

Blake: We have less to lose.
Avon: You might, but I happen to value my life.

Blake: What went wrong?
Avon: I depended on other people.

Blake: You're a civilized man, Avon. On Cygnus Alpha, that will not be a survival characteristic.

Vila: I've got this problem with confined places. There's a medical name for it.
Jenna: Cowardice?

Gan (to captured guard): Look, we only need the hand. If you want to stay attached to it: do as you're told.

Raiker (to Blake, after his plan fails): All you needed was guts.
Blake: I'll settle for yours.

Jenna: How do you feel?
Blake: Sick.
Avon: So you should! What a fiasco!

Vila: What do you think they'll do to us?
Avon: Something unpleasant.

Boo-boos

The planet that the penal ship passes is spinning awfully fast. When the ship hits turbulence and things start falling, some plastic cups, which look like they were placed deliberately in the shot to tip over, do not tip over. And they steadfastly do not tip over repeatedly.

When the ship is hulled, sealant gel (which looks a lot like shaving cream or soap suds, depending on the shot) oozes out of a crack. Jenna runs her hand through it, and says something on the idea of how it hardens in seconds. Is that something you really want to run your hand through?

When Nova, the equivalent of a red-shirted crewmember on Star Trek, is crawling through the ducts, the ship is hit and hulled. We see vapor rush into the gap in which he is crouching. No. Air blows into space, not space into air.

When Raiker shoots at Blake, it's awfully good shooting by him to get that tiny little opening in the wall. Almost as if someone was going to detonate a small explosive for special-effects purposes and needed to hide it somewhere in the scene.

Raiker shoots Blake in the shoulder. Blake drops to the floor, clutching his shoulder. He doesn't bleed from the shoulder, however, and he quickly forgets about it once Raiker gets blown into space when Liberator pulls away from the airlock.
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Episode 3: Cygnus Alpha

Blake, Jenna, and Avon figure out how to tell the ship to go where they want (you mean the computer can be instructed verbally, just like my PowerBook?) They also discover an armory, a strongroom, some sort of clothing mall so that they can all change into something a little more comfortable, a teleport, and who knows what else.

Our trepid heroes follow the penal ship, London, to Cygnus Alpha, and Blake teleports down to rescue the prisoners.

Dialogue

Blake: Handgun?
Avon: It's a bit elaborate for a toothpick.
Blake: Depends how elaborate their teeth were.

Jenna: Well don't blame me if I hit the self destruct.
Blake: Doubt we'll ever speak to you again.

Prisoner: What about guards? Authority?
Vila: Why bother? It's a long walk back.

Vila: The architectural style is Early Maniac.

Boo-boos

The shot of the prison ship as it's approaching Cygnus Alpha shows what looks an awful lot like the Earth and Moon. I recall the same shot when the ship left from Earth. Perhaps Captain Leylan has been drinking on the job.

Blake says that he'll have to "risk" the teleport. You're on a ship of alien design, years ahead of what your civilization has produced. There's something on board that looks like something your civilization understands the premise of, but has not been able to produce (a functioning teleport). Wouldn't it be reasonable to assume that they got it working? Many episodes later, we'll see that non-functioning teleports actually do end up sitting in the middle of a ship's flight deck.

When the armory is discovered on the bridge, there are about 25 handgun slots, but only eight hold handguns. Perhaps the ship's auto-repair systems were still working on it.

Apparently, office supply stores will exist in the future. Avon is using a sheet of punch-hole reinforcers to mark the teleport controls. Post-Its would have given him the opportunity to write explicit instructions (i.e. push here to send people into deep space where they'll explode when they rematerialize).

Two examples of Cygnus Alphan woodworking are seen in this episode. The first, located near a corpse, is discovered by Gan and reads "So Perish Unbelievers." It's really a top-notch sign; all the letters are the same height. All in all, very nicely done. The second sign, read by Blake, tells us that, "From This Hand Comes Life." That sign, however, is all over the place, letter-wise. Wouldn't it make more sense for the high-quality sign to adorn the only church on the planet, as opposed to being left to rot by a heretic's corpse?

How close is Liberator to the surface of Cygnus Alpha if it can be seen clearly from the castle?

Avon states that the strongroom on Liberator contains almost as much wealth as the entire Federation Banking System. Apparently costume jewelry will be worth much more in the future.

Aside from that, however, why doesn't Avon tuck some of that away somewhere? Doesn't the future have an intergalactic version of an off-shore bank account? For someone who wants to get away from Blake, Avon sure misses a lot of easy outs.

Why does high priest Vargas have Pat Boone's shoes?
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Episode 4: Time Squad

Our Heroes discover a derelict ship. After teleporting over, Blake and Jenna are trapped on the ship with little oxygen. Avon flies Liberator around the derelict ship to bring in aboard and the fun really begins.

Dialogue

No particularly memorable lines.

Boo-boos

A reader sent an e-mail to point out that the main locks on Liberator are not visible: there are no structures on the external model with an opening like the one we see.

Whoever kitted out the maniac/assassins really didn't do a very thorough job. These guys are supposed to kill anyone who threatens the breeding units their ship is carrying. So why not give them some weapons? We see one assassin sneaking up on Jenna with a knife shaped like an elongated X. How useful is that going to be? Why not stick with a comes-to-a-point-at-the-end knife? Additionally, would you wear sandals if you were going to be killing people? I mean for a living?

At the end of the episode, Cally says that she cannot return to Auron as she had failed. Um, duh, Cally, you helped blow up the damned planet. What do your people consider a success? Perhaps she has the same condition Avon has and is incapable of getting away from Blake.

A reader asks, "Does a ship the size of Liberator only have one deck?" One would be hard pressed to come up with a way to explain how a ship of the length, width and depth of Liberator could only have one deck, so I offer the mealy-mouthed explanation that Our Heroes interchangeably and incorrectly consider the main deck as the only deck that matters, much like New Yorkers say New York when they mean New York City.
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Episode 5: The Web

Our Heroes fly Liberator right into a pile of space fungus: a self-regenerating web that traps them like, well, a web.

Dialogue

Blake: What caused the malfunction? Well?
Zen: Involvement is not permitted.
Blake: If the ship's blown up, loftly disinterest won't save you.

Avon (wearily): All right …
Blake: If it was all right, I wouldn't need you here.

Blake (after being pushed out of the way of danger): Thank you. Why?
Avon: Automatic reaction. I'm as surprised as you are.

Jenna: It's not catching.
Vila (who was struck in the head earlier): It brought my head out in lumps.

Avon (to Gan): It's slow. You should appreciate that quality.

Vila: About spiders' webs.
Blake: What about them?
Vila: They're used for trapping food.

Cally: Blake, that could have been one of The Lost.
Blake: Well don't be mystical, Cally. Explain.

Blake: Time to use the neutron blasters.
Vila: At last. I've been looking forward to this.

Avon: Ah, well, if it's between the creatures and us, there's no argument. Even your irrational conscience should be able to cope with that.

Blake: I'll bear that in mind.
Avon: Don't worry. I'll remind you.

Blake: They're fighting for their lives.
Avon: Who isn't?
Blake: Being alive involves them together.
Avon: I couldn't agree with you less.

Avon: I'll tell you a fact of life, Blake: change is inevitable.
Blake: Why else do we fight, Avon?

Boo-boos

Well, not really a boo-boo. But it's nice to see that after Patrick McGoohan finished off The Prisoner, Rover the weather balloon was able to find work on this episode.

Terrible special effect with Saymon, last of The Lost, floating in the Hitler's Brain-sized jar. The effect gets even worse near the end of the episode when the actor screams, and you can see his neck pulling away from the edge of the prop. It's like watching John Edward try to convince the non-subpar that he's able to talk to the dead. (As an aside, he sure asks a lot of questions for a psychic.)

Blake breaks the vicious "you have to come down here before I tell you a thing" cycle by asking to know what's wrong before he gets up off his ass and leaves his cabin. We get to see Blake with his shirt undone. For those of you whom this excites, well, go crazy.

With Liberator running out of control (the future's version of the gas pedal getting stuck, I suppose) why don't they simply shut the engines off? Perhaps that's what the problem is. I don't know. I'm a journalist, not an engineer.

Cally demonstrates an appropriate response to Vila's lederhosen outfit: she slugs him in the side of the head (hence Vila's comment about his head coming out in lumps.)

At one point, Zen announces some system onboard has crapped out. The penny drops for Avon, and he announces that it's Cally who's damaging Liberator's systems. Then he and Blake go racing off the flight deck. In two directions. But they get to the same place (the teleport bay) at the same time. And why does Paul Darrow run that way? I suppose it's difficult to run on those sets because the floors are slick. Or there are cables, and if you trip on one of those you're going to bash your head in. If anyone knows for sure (i.e. Well, don't you know? Paul's got four bionic limbs, and they don't work that well sometimes. He's really sensitive about it, so don't ask at conventions.) please let me know.

What sort of research facility has flashing police lights on it? One funded by a grant from the Adam-12 Foundation and the Kmart Corporation, I suppose.

I like Blake's little slide as he reaches the place Cally's placed the bomb. This was years before Tom Cruise did a similar move in Risky Business.

Avon warns Blake that when the light on the explosive goes out he'll have about three seconds before it explodes. Then, almost before Avon can finish telling Blake this, the damned light goes out. The look on Blake's face is wonderful. Kind of a "Well, Answerman? What the hell do I do now?" mixed with an "Aw, shit."

Zen reports that the web is silica-based, and then says that it is organic. A lowbrow would consider that an error, as silica is not organic. However, as we later discover, there is at least one silicon-based lifeform (sopron) out there. So, the chemistry books would probably have to be redone to include silicon as an organic component.

Nice how Vila doesn't activate the flare shield before trying to fire the neutron blasters. Kind of like watching someone grind the gears when they take a driving test.

The Decimas look like the miniaturized love children of the Jolly Green Giant and Bigfoot.

Blake tells Cally that the alien can control her, so she can't come down to the planet with him. So? The alien took over Jenna. Why shouldn't Blake himself be influenced by the alien?

If a spear went flying across your hand hard enough to draw blood, wouldn't you scream? I know I'd scream.

When Novara closes the research lab's outer door, you can see the lights from the camera crew in the reflection.

Does Blake call the Decimas "dwarves" when they attack the windows of the research lab?

Blake says to Avon, "Let's get under cover." Great cover, Blake: crouching by the side of a tree. Don't get back into that research lab. No, squat near a tree. Brilliant.

Avon mentions pursuit ships, and Blake takes the news in stride. However, it's the first he's heard of them. Shouldn't he be a little concerned?

Rather stupid of Novara to leave the front door open so that the Decimas can come in and kill, kill, kill.

When Novara and Geela are killed, why do they turn to skeletons? That seems a bit wrong.
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Episode 6: Seek-Locate-Destroy

We meet Servalan and Travis, two promising young go-getters with bright futures.

Dialogue

Jenna: Are you ready?
Vila: I've just worked out a completely new strategy: it's called running away.
Jenna: He's ready.

Vila: There isn't a lock I can't open, if I'm scared enough.

Avon: That's the trouble with heroics: they seldom run to schedule.

Jenna: Avon's right.
Avon: I usually am.

Avon: A fraction out and you could put us down in the middle of the security barracks.
Jenna: Don't tempt me.

Vila (to Cally, over some blaring alarms): I've just been spotted, the alarms are ringing, I thought you ought to know.

Rontane (searching for a way to describe Travis): He has been … overzealous?
Servalan: Oh, don't be afraid of the word, secretary. Ruthless. Committed. He does his duty as he sees it. And he sees it clearly. He has no time for the dirty gray areas of your politics.

Servalan: Responsibility is something I have never evaded.

Servalan: An enemy does not cease to be an enemy because it has surrendered.

Travis: Go through the sequence of events.
Prell: From the beginning?
Travis: Well, naturally.

Travis: What, are you suggesting cosmetic surgery? I'm a field officer, not one of your decorative staff men.
Servalan: You're certainly not decorative.
Travis: You find [my artificial eye] repulsive?
Servalan: I find it unpleasing.

Vila: I knew [Cally] wasn't dead.
Avon: No you didn't.
Vila: No. I didn't. I'm gonna tell Gan.

Jenna: We could make a really fast strike. They wouldn't be expecting anything.
Avon: Oh, I admire your confidence.

Base Commander: A rough analogy would be the static buildup during an electrical storm.
Travis: Yes, well I'm always grateful for a rough analogy.

Blake: You don't matter enough to kill, Travis.

Blake: Too many of my friends are already dead. I can't afford to lose another one, Cally.

Boo-boos

The planet Kentero looks a lot like the planet Jupiter after it's been worked over with some airbrushes.

The robot napalms a swaying cable. That's pretty tight security. Too bad they don't have anyone monitoring the gate that Vila's breaking in through.

Although Vila's little scene with the guards ("Excuse me, I'm here to blow things up.") is amusing, it isn't believable at all. No guard is going to let someone dressed as a civilian say all that without whipping the weapon up to cover him.

The locator beam stops right on the only little dot on the green grid when Jenna is getting a closer reading on Blake's signal. Awfully convenient, that.

The guard runs for the alarm. Vila, with a gun, chases after the guard and grabs his arm just after the guard pushes the alarm. Then the guard collapses. Is Vila part Vulcan? He must be part idiot to not just shoot the guard.

And let's see if I've got this right: Not one person on Liberator realizes that Cally didn't come back up?

A reader mentions in an e-mail that Space Command rotates whenever we see it in an establishing shot, but then we see that the starfield outside of Supreme Commander Servalan's office in Star Command is stationary. This is the first time we see this happen. Obviously, Servalan, rather than being distracted by the gaudy showiness of the galaxy's timepiece, ticking like a fine grandfather clock with an infinite-day movement, has elected to have a screensaver installed onto the window.

The black-and-white images of Blake that Travis is reviewing when Servalan comes into her office. Well, they sort of look like Blake is achieving orgasm.

When the guards are moving Cally, why do they drag her along the ground? Is it actually easier to drag someone than it is to carry them over a shoulder or wheel them down a corridor or carry them on a stretcher? If one of the South American Death Squads funded with my tax dollars to torture people could get back to me on this. (This last statement brought to you by the Reagan administration.)
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Episode 7: Mission To Destiny

Our Heroes come upon another distressed spaceship. This one, instead of just drifting along, is going in a circle. Blake, Avon, and Cally board the ship and discover the crew is unconscious. However, the ship's cargo, a doohickey called a Neutrotope, and worth a fortune, is still safe. Blake returns to Liberator and leaves with the Neutrotope to deliver it more speedily to Destiny. Avon and Cally remain, to effect repairs on the spaceship and indulge Avon's channeling of Hercule Poirot.

Dialogue

Vila: Mock if you like, but I can always sense danger.
Gan: Even when there isn't any.

Levett: There are worse things than being alone, Sondheim. Being with you is one of them.

Avon: It is frequently easier to be honest when you have nothing to lose.

Cally: A man who trusts can never be betrayed, only mistaken.
Avon: Life expectancy must be fairly short among your people.

Avon: Raffert was dying. It's difficult to be neat under those circumstances.

Boo-boos

Good thing mallets are essential ship equipment in the future, else how would the controls get mashed to bits?

Greek Tragedy lives in the future. Cally opens a door, and out staggers a man who has received a blow to the head so severe that it will kill him a few seconds later. However, before dying, he had time for a little nap, then a little writing in his own blood, and then a brief stroll.

So, all the vegetation will be gone in a year? Sounds like Star Blazers to me.

The Neutrotope is "one of the most valuable objects in our galaxy" according to the Destinians. Remember the courier in World War II who delivered the plutonium to the Manhattan Project and demanded a receipt before surrendering it? He had the right idea. Would you take receipt of something so valuable without even looking to make sure it was in the box? And if you were handing it over, why wouldn't you send a couple of your crew with it? Are the Destinians on crack?

Blake collects Cally's and Avon's guns. Is Blake on crack? There's a murderer on board, and Blake's depriving his people of weapons to defend themselves with? Are Cally and Avon smoking from the same crackpipe in letting Blake do this?

Cally finds one of the crew rifling through a bag in Sara's quarters. The crewman puts the bag — a great, big thing — back under the mattress. Cally goes in a few seconds later, swipes a small matchbox-sized object from the bag, and puts the bag back under the mattress. Is Sara on crack? How does she sleep at night with a bag the size of a baby under her mattress? Why not put just the tiny transmitter under the mattress and put the bag, I don't know, in the closet?

How does the murderer get Dortman's body onto the top of the supply locker? Someone who could do that should have been able to hurl the body through a bulkhead and into space.

For such a fantastic ship, Liberator sure runs out of power quickly. Can't even cross a scale 9, intensity 27 meteorite storm without running out of juice.

Sondheim is caught picking up the knife. Is he an absolute idiot, or is he just on crack?

Avon solves the crime. Terrific. Even though he knows who has committed the crime, he turns his back on that person while he goes into a fairly lengthy denouement. Then he gets everyone else to turn their backs to the killer so that Avon can show how he figured it out. Apparently everyone was on crack the entire time for this episode.

Sara's outfit is rather close-fitting. So where exactly was she hiding that rather substantial gun?

And exactly what was Sara thinking? Oh, they'll pay me anyway?
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Episode 8: Duel

Travis and Blake are forced to fight each other, mano a mano, as a lesson from a dead race on the evil of violence.

Dialogue

Sinofar: It wasn't a victory; it was the end of the war.

Avon: I have never understood why it should be necessary to become irrational in order to prove that you care, or, indeed, why it should be necessary to prove it at all.

Boo-boos

Speaking of obvious plot exposition, why are Sinofar and Chiroc doing all of this rehashing of things they both already know? They're the only two in the scene.

Mutoids ingest blood plasma? Fine. I can accept that. But bright green blood plasma?

Blake, Jenna, and Gan, standing on the surface of the planet, see Travis' ships before Liberator's sensors do. How good are those sensors?

Three energy banks recharged in the time Blake, Jenna, and Gan were on the surface (a few hours). Ten energy banks are on Liberator. If it takes 48 hours for all ten to recharge, that puts our trio on the surface of a singularly dead world for just under 14.5 hours, which is an awfully long time.

For a dead world it certainly has a very nice forest and enough bats for a Mutoid to catch. Also, notice the vine Travis yanks out of that bush.

The Mutoid tells Travis that he still has a lot of blood (that she didn't drain him of plasma) because he is an officer, as is she. So Mutoids are officers? Can a Mutoid officer order a human trooper?

Mutoids are extremely useful. The Mutoid knocks out Jenna, without even touching her, with a move Kwai Chang Caine would envy. Later, we see that Mutoids are absolutely useless at chopping vines with machetes.

Travis builds one hell of a fire. Smoke comes right out of the center of that fire even though the flame is off to one side.

Why does Blake toss his spear aside when he goes to free Jenna? Wouldn't it make more sense to drop it down next to his feet instead of throwing it away?

Gan asks Blake what Sinofar was like. Is Gan on crack? He saw her down on the planet's surface.
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Episode 9: Project Avalon

Blake offers to transport resistance fighter Avalon to another planet. However, Travis gets to her first.

Dialogue

Blake: Does it support any intelligent life?
Avon: Does Liberator?
Vila: I've got a weak chest.
Avon: The rest of you isn't very impressive.

Boo-boos

In the future, all women who receive medical exams will have to wear skimpy outfits that show off their bodies.

That blinking, red light going off in Avalon's face is a good way to induce seizures in unfortunate epileptic viewers. So much for their donations during the next PBS pledge drive.

When Avon and Cally teleport Vila down to the planet, Avon grins like a son of a bitch. What's he so particularly pleased about?

I like the scene where Travis punches the test subject in the stomach. Didn't I see something like that in a James Bond film? Of course, with Travis, it's interesting on so many more levels, what with that leather body suit of his.

While waiting for Vila to pick the lock so that they can get into the control complex, Jenna is panting like she's just run a mile. Why?
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Episode 10: Breakdown

Gan's limiter shorts out, and he goes psycho.

Dialogue

Vila: Oh my head! What fell on me? Avon: He did.

Blake: Suppose Zen gave us the necessary information and detailed instructions?
Avon: Oh, come on Blake. This is not something you do by numbers, not even highly sophisticated ones. There are quicker ways that you could kill him, but there are none more certain.

Avon: I have never taken things on trust. I see no reason to make an exception in the case of a mysterious warning of danger.

Avon: I can talk or I can work, but I can't do both.

Blake: He got away from Cally.
The just-slapped-around-by-Gan Avon: Yes, well, I can see that.

Avon: Blake, in the unlikely event that we survive this … I'm finished. Staying with you requires a degree of stupidity of which I no longer feel capable.
Blake: Now you're being modest.

Renner: I love girls with a sense of humor.
Jenna: Yes, I can see where that would be an advantage.

Vila: The trouble with a genius is you're never sure what he's up to.

Blake: Is there any way we can thank you?
Kayn: You could try getting caught.

Kayn: You gutless nothing!

Boo-boos

The Ship flies past a few too many planets in the opening shot. After the crew subdues Gan, temporarily, Cally runs to get the med-kit to tranquilize him. On the way back, she stops to see in Jenna is okay. I can understand concern for a friend, but if Gan has just flipped out and could at any moment start snapping arms and legs which are not his own, doesn't it make much more sense to make sure he's completely unconscious before seeing if Jenna is okay?

Not a boo-boo: A round of applause for David Jackson's facial expressions when Gan's implant starts to malfunction.

Does Gan's implant change sizes from episode to episode?

Is Cally out of her Auron mind? She lets Gan out of the restraints!? Perhaps she's the one in need of a limiter.

Gan coughs when Cally releases the restraints, and he asks her for some water so that she will turn her back on him. She should also grab some nicotine gum while she's getting that water because that's one hell of a smoker's cough Gan's got.

When Gan runs into the computer room and starts tossing Avon around, Avon certainly pirouettes beautifully.

When Blake is in the sick bay, the wall intercom goes off. He walks to it and says, "Yes, Avon" before Avon has said a word. How does Blake know it is Avon?

On XK-72, Avon takes the director's word that the others will be allowed to leave unmolested. Since when has Avon taken strangers on their words?

In the future, phones will look almost the same as they do now. Perhaps Farren is an antique collector.

If Blake is trying to keep the XK-72ers guessing, why does he use Avon's and Cally's names in Kayn's presence? Also, why say that civilians are in the majority "even in the Federation." Way to keep suspicion down, Blake. No wonder they caught you back when.

Kayn buys his shoes in the same place Vargas did. He's simply smashing with his Pat Boone-esque white shoes.

Cotton swabs will also exist in the future.

We finally get a long shot of the armory. There are slots for 35 guns. In another episode, the entire teleport bracelet console is visible, and there are 32 slots. In the first two episodes, Blake, Avon, and Jenna are able to operate the ship. Apparently, when fully manned, the ship is crewed by 35.

Kayn spends twenty minutes on brain surgery? This was the operation that was too complex for any of the crew to do? Perhaps he spent twenty space minutes on the procedure. Yeah, that's it.

When the plasma bolt is whizzing toward the station, the security people see it coming, buzz the director's office, then sit there, knowing they're about to be blown to bits, and do nothing?

Blake tells Zen to increase speed to Standard by 8. This would be fine, except the ship is already traveling at that speed.

Right at the end, when everything is back to terrific, Blake says, "Welcome back" to Gan, and everyone breaks into a laughing fit, like in an episode of Scooby-Doo. It wasn't a particularly funny thing to say. Are they sucking up? To Blake?
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Episode 11: Bounty

Our Heroes are nabbed by space pirates, and Blake attempts to get a president back to his people.

Dialogue

Sarkoff: Civilization has always depended on courtesy rather than truth.

Blake: And don't take any stupid risks. We're doing enough of that down here.

Vila: I'm entitled to my opinion.
Avon: It's your assumption that we are entitled to it as well that is irritating.

Avon: The test is not whether you are suspicious, but whether you are caught.

Jenna: First sign of trouble we get out, right?
Blake: Goes without saying.
Avon: I only wish it did.

Avon: None of us showed conspicuous intelligence on this occasion.

Tyce: You'd sell your own grandmother, wouldn't you?
Tarvon: I did.

Boo-boos

On the opening shot of Cally, we see her dressed in an outfit that can only be described as Commando/Hooker. Hands up everyone who would wear high-heel boots on a stealth mission.

Sarkoff looks like he mugged Jon Pertwee.

The Big Cooler returns. What was the unholy fascination with that thing? Apparently all it's holding in this episode is a grappling hook and some rope. Even if it held some teleport bracelets, a sack would be more convenient.

Blake does one hell of an Adam West-as-Batman by scaling the castle wall with the aforementioned grappling hook and rope. After Blake climbs the wall, Cally follows. As she is climbing, as is always the case in these scenes, a guard starts walking toward Our Heroes. Somehow, Cally manages to climb the wall in eight seconds. Did she attend the Lindsay Wagner School of Climbing? Even though she got to the top of the wall in record speed, Cally is spotted by the guard. She jumps on the guard. If you slow the playback, you'll see that Cally jumps from the wall, hits the ground next to the guard, grabs his ankle, throws him to the ground and then kills him. Wouldn't it make more sense to land on top of the guard?

Blake — ever the gentleman and always a fun date — tells Cally to hide the guard's body and join him inside the castle when she's done. However, at least as far as we see on the tape, he does not bother with the nicety of throwing the rope's end back over the wall. Perhaps Cally uses telekinesis to yank the rope back over the wall.

How does Blake know how to start an antique roadster?

Blake displays amazing reflexes in this episode. He throws the neck restraint at the guard with such speed that the guard, who has his microwave gun in hand and has fired, ends up having the neck restraint explode in his face. Perhaps Blake is clairvoyant.

In one of the other lists of errors, someone points out that Jenna "kills" the same guard twice. Ha-ha! Twins. Obviously twin brothers were killed by Jenna. Remember Occam's Razor.
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Episode 12: Deliverance

You know how when you take a trip somewhere you come down with a gastrointestinal problem? Well, this is the super-duper version of that. Avon, Vila, Jenna, and Gan teleport down to rescue two crash survivors, but come back with a dose of radiation poisoning instead. I don't think Maalox works on that.

Dialogue

Avon: Obviously, somebody or something must have attacked her.
Vila: And, obviously, it won.

Avon: She seems to be on our side.
Vila: But, the poor woman's insane.
Avon: Not necessarily.

Avon: My follower? I never really thought of her in those terms.

Megat: Welcome, Lord. Welcome.
Avon: Yes, well let's not start all of that again.

Vila: You're enjoying this, aren't you?
Avon: Probably.

Megat: You are truly Lord.
Vila (to Avon): Counting yourself, that makes two people who think you're wonderful.

Vila (referring to Megat's Avon-worship): Been alone too long, definitely.

Megat: Our waiting brought you.
Avon: That seems like a poor reward, somehow.

Boo-boos

Cephlon looks an awful lot like Jupiter with the Red Spot airbrushed out.

How convenient that just after Gan and Jenna walk away from the bunker door, after examining it for about 15 seconds, the peep-hole is opened by someone who is conveniently standing there waiting for them to leave.

Gan arrives after Avon and Vila teleport up, even though he teleports from the planet's surface at the same moment. When the crew finally realizes that Jenna did not teleport up, Avon says, "We'll go back down." Blake snips that he thinks, "You'd better." Wow, Blake. Could that stick be any farther up your ass?

Jenna is tied up — by the savages, not the crew — with fur strips. Wouldn't animal skin, as opposed to the pelts, be more practical?

When Our Heroes arrive at the bunker door, it is opened for them. They rush in as soon as the door opens. No one is there to meet them. So how does the door get opened for them?

At one point, before Vila or Gan use it, Megat says Avon's name. How does she know it? I mean, maybe the predictions give the name, but I doubt it. But, then again, perhaps Avon is a god. He pushes the one right control on a panel of controls that is several centuries old, and it turns out to be the one switch needed to launch the sleeper ship.

In addition to being almost a god, Avon is also one hell of a kickboxer, as the savage he deals with could attest.
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Episode 13: Orac

As a continuation of the previous episode's events, the crew discovers that Avon, Jenna, Vila, and Gan have radiation poisoning and must get some anti-radiation drugs. As the ship is en route to Ensor's planet with the power cells he needs (which were entrusted to Blake by Ensor's dying son) it is hoped that Ensor will have a supply of the necessary drugs, as Liberator does not.

Dialogue

Vila: Die? I can't do that.
Avon: I'm afraid you can. It's the one talent we all share. Even you.

Ensor: Always has to be a mercy dash doesn't it? Oh, no, no, no, it has to be a drama.

Vila: I can barely stand.
Avon: Then crawl.

Blake: Good shot, Avon.
Avon (who just shot off Travis' mechanical hand): I was aiming for his head.

Boo-boos

At the beginning of the episode, Blake shows Avon a log entry that recounts events of which Avon already has first-hand knowledge. Why? Other than to bring viewers up to date, I have no idea. Perhaps Blake enjoys being pedantic.

The Ship has a sophisticated sick bay. But it doesn't have anti-radiation drugs? Then why does Ensor, who has lived in hiding for decades? By the way, the whole concept of a radiation drug sounds wrong, but who knows what the future holds.

When Travis and Servalan are on the planet's surface, why doesn't Travis kill her? Or Servalan kill him? You'd think they were married for all the kvetching they do. Servalan's not too icy when a big lizard puts a claw on her hip. Completely out of character for her.

"Beam us up?" No, no, no. Do you want the Star Trek lawyers after you, too, Avon? You've already got one Federation out for your ass.
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I am so sick of ribbons and flags

2004-12-17T10:44:00.000-05:00

Today, on my way in to work, I realized something. Well, two things.

The first is that NPR is really getting on my nerves.

They had a story about "raw milk." This story vexed me for two similar reasons.

1. Unpasteurized milk isn't "healthier" than regular milk. PETA can tell you all you would ever want to know about why milk is just not good for you to begin with. "Raw milk." That's like taking up "Low-Tar" cigarettes. It's like those people who oppose polio vaccinations. Yeah, let's bring back polio! Paralysis, leg braces. Hell, who wouldn't line up for that?

2. Part of the "argument" presented by one of the raw milk crowd was that she started after reading a book about Bible-based diets. And of course she trots out the line about how raw milk is a god-given food.

I am sick to death of all the fundamentalist mentality strangling the public discourse. Everything's a Jesus-based this or a God-given that.

I wonder what would happen if we went back to the Bible for public policy decisions? Let's see, we'd have exorcisms for epilepsy. Teen pregnancy? Well, seeing as how all the girls would be married off at 10 anyway ...

But I digress.

The second thing that pissed me off was the glut of ribbons and flags on all the cars. One more time: Flags and ribbons don't help. And I'm seeing all these idiots sticking the magnets or stickers to the cars. Not the bumpers, the cars. Christ wept, some of the people driving are idiots. I can't wait to see how patriotic all these people are when they discover their car resale value is off by several hundred dollars because the back panel will have to be repainted.

Of course, in our consumer culture we just throw old things away. Why bother reselling a car? That shows weakness!

On a reassuring note, I spotted a woman today driving a Hummer. She looked so fed up. I would have loved to have read her mind. "My husband's an idiot. I have to refill the car tank every other day. The insurance is through the roof."

I'm just giving everyone fair notice. If I get hit by a Hummer, and I live, I'm going to sue the manufacturer, the driver, everyone I can find. The only person who needs a car that big would be Shirley Partridge.

The U.N. that is my furniture

2004-12-16T11:15:00.000-05:00

I went looking for a coffee table the other day. Because I needed one.

I'm going to let you in on a secret.

Wal-Mart, Kmart, Target and their ilk are great if you want to buy things made in China. If you can't bear the thought of having to pay a little more for a towel, so that someone can earn a living wage, you should jump into the SUV, drive on down to one of those stores and fill your vehicle to the rafters.

I went to Wal-Mart looking for a coffee table. I ended up visiting Kmart and Target as well during my search for a coffee table.

Apparently the Chinese don't know what the heck a coffee table is. In the United States, a coffee table is a low, flat table that often sits in the No Man's Land that exists between the TV and the sofa. You put magazines, food, drinks, remote controls and such on the coffee table. Sometimes, in moments of wild abandon, you put your feet on it.

At a massive Wal-Mart in northern New Jersey, I couldn't find a coffee table. Bookcases, end tables, lamps and entertainment consoles? Yes. Coffee tables? No. So I went to Target. I found a coffee table there. It was about three feet tall, three feet wide and nine inches deep.

Gymnasts might be able to rest their feet on such a coffee table. The rest of us would put it just inside the door and use it to put the mail and the car keys on. At that point I gave up in massive disgust.

Heading out of the shopping center -- truly a most excellent shopping center in all other regards -- I pulled into Pier 1 Imports. Just in case. You know how it is. If you don't try every possible store, you won't be able to take the moral high ground.

I was helped by a clerk who was about 6' 5". As I have known several people of that height, all of whom couldn't play basketball and had no desire to, I refrained from the idiotic and obvious "Wow! You're tall. Did you know that? Do you play basketball? You'd probably be really good at it."

(As a sidebar, can you imagine what would happen if you said the above to someone who was black? Let me try. "Wow! You're black. Did you know that? Do you play basketball? You'd probably be really good at it.")

See? Stupid, isn't it. That's why you should think before you speak. Unless you've been drinking. If you have, go ahead and make an ass out of yourself.

Anyway, back to the matter at hand: the coffee table. The clerk was actually helpful. Can you imagine? A clerk who didn't treat me with surly indifference or fawning lickspittleness. Astonishing.

I guess there is a tiny little bit of hope for the world.

And I now have a coffee table that came from Brazil. Isn't that swell? I've got dishes from China, a coffee table from Brazil. The computer was assembled in Mexico. Jesus Jumping Christ, my things travel more than I do.

Gertrude update

2004-12-16T11:10:00.000-05:00

Gertrude, who was last referenced as being mighty annoyed at having a plastic collar tied around her neck, is still suffering the indignity of her minor surgery.

After a sulk of about three days, she is now very much her old self, although she does knead a little harder than before when she's trying to wake me up for food. The stitches should be out in three more days, at which point she will be free of her collar and probably right back to her usual ways.

Good kitty!

My cat has had surgery

2004-12-04T21:17:00.000-05:00

My sweet kitty, Gertrude, has had surgery to remove a lump from above her left shoulder. So now she's got a shaved patch with stitches, one of those Elizabethan collars to keep her from tearing out her stitches, and a look in her eye that tells me she is well and truly annoyed with me.

I can't blame her. She looks like a low-budget Borg.

Are there any terrorists?

2004-12-04T11:37:00.000-05:00

So Tommy G. Thompson, Secretary of Health and Human Services, has decided to resign. Good for him. Here's a quote from his speech.

"For the life of me, I cannot understand why the terrorists have not attacked our food supply because it is so easy to do."

Thompson raises the cousin of a question I've had floating around in my head for some time: Where the hell are the terrorists?

Thompson wonders about why the food-tampering crowd hasn't screwed up the food supply. Good question. Consider that there are, according to various online government sources, and heavens knows we can trust the government implicitly, multiple redundancies to prevent any tampering from going very far.

Again, fair enough. Perhaps the terrorists haven't attacked the food supply because even though it's a simple thing to do, the tampering wouldn't kill many.

Of course, imagine the fear that would grip the great unwashed masses if someone started shoving poison into cans of sliced beets. There goes the sliced-beet market. And then it's on to the miniature ears of corn. And so on.

But I still end up saying to myself, "Well, which is it?" Does the government have it right, in that food-poisoning wouldn't work? Or does Thompson, who was the head of Health and Human Services, have it right in that it's easy as pie?

I think the question that should be asked is: Okay, where the hell are the terrorists?

I know, I know. Look at what happened in Spain. Who knows how many cells are being broken up by the terrorism fighters here and abroad?

It's more than three years since Sept. 11, 2001. Let me put a few observations down.

1. The terrorists aren't stupid. I think there are people, a lot of people, who think the terrorists are some batch of ignorant hayseeds who don't know how lightbulbs work. Nope. Let's get realistic. I think the terrorists are stuck in the Middle Ages as far as matters of sex and equality and so forth. I happen to think the same thing about a lot of the hard-core fundamentalists in the United States. But these are people (the foreign terrorists, not the ones in the United States) who realize that they are fighting an organization with more firepower, more money, more soldiers, more everything, than they could ever hope to match.

So they have to be clever about it.

2. So that means the terrorist leadership would take a long time to plan attacks?

Think about it. Say you're running a terrorist group. You might be tucked away safely in a mountain somewhere, but you never know. You could get caught. Someone could leak a detail. You know you really can't think that you're 100% safe. The same thing goes for any sleeper cells you've got in the United States. They could get caught, they could defect, they could die in a car accident. Keeping these people on ice for 10 years is ridiculous.

3. There have been terrorist attacks in other countries. And those attacks have occasionally been attributed to al Qaeda.

4. But why would al Qaida go after Spain? Or any other country? bin Laden's no dope. Attacking everyone who's supporting the U.S. is merely a way to get all those countries against him. He's not going to screw up like that. Thanks to the U.S. invasion of Iraq, which had nothing to do with the events of 9/11, world opinion is very much against the United States. Attacking other countries isn't in bin Laden's logical best interest.

5. The U.S. borders are simply too porous, our culture is simply too casual, to stop the terrorists. Take a look at the airports. Do you really think those minimum-wage dullards who take those casual swipes through your luggage are going to stop a bunch of religious fanatics? We've seen demonstrations of how easy it still is to smuggle things onto planes.

6. No one wants to discuss the notion of what will happen to the air-travel industry after a couple of planes get shot down by rocket propelled grenades. But I can take a good guess: A little more of the Police State will creep into American culture. And no matter. After the shooting down of a few jumbo jets, the next target will be something like the power grid. And after that, I'd be wondering who's going to be the first government official to admit that, yes, there is absolutely no way to protect the Alaska Pipeline from terrorism attacks. Simply can't be done.

7. I love the (?) arguments made by the Far Right, about how the terrorists hate "our freedom" and "our way of life." Then where are the attacks on Canada? Why isn't Norway in flames? How come the Dutch still drive around without idiotic ribbons all over their car bumpers?

Let's face facts. The U.S. isn't a world leader in any of the things that demonstrate a truly egalitarian, democratic, informed society. Canada has better health care. Many European countries have better education systems. Illiteracy is far lower in other first-world nations. The U.S. is the only developed country that has religious fanatics actually succeeding in removing evolution from high school curriculums. Gun deaths are measured in the thousands. In many other developed countries, it's measured in the hundreds, or the tens.

You want to know how to stop terrorism? Simplest thing in the world. The United States has to get up, in front of the world, and admit that, yes, the U.S. has used its power like a bully. We've subverted national elections, we've engaged in supporting death squads, assassinations, all manner of terrorist acts of our own. And we're going to stop. That's how you stop terrorism. That simple.

Tom Ridge resigns!

2004-11-30T13:31:00.000-05:00

Why am I quite alarmed that Mr. Ridge (Secretary of Homeland Security) has resigned? It's almost as though he knows something's coming and wants to be out of the mess before it hits the fan.

And the Draft won't be kicking in for at least a couple more months...

Hmm ...

My latest conflict with Mr. Safire

2004-11-21T08:01:00.000-05:00

In William Safire's latest column in the New York Times "Bush Administration's Biblical Exodus" Safire again drops the ball on several points. I'm not talking about matters of opinion, folks; I'm talking about facts, writing facts.

Let me quote the first paragraph:

"Lord knows I have tried, over the years, to keep Colin Powell on the grammatical strait and narrow. And yet, announcing his resignation, the departing secretary of state said that after the president and he had "fulsome discussions on it, we came to mutual agreement. ..."

Fulsome means "offensively excessive," and when two people agree, it's always mutual. This otherwise good man is incorrigible.

Safire, later in the same column, writes about Bush cabinet members:

More are sure to join the cabinet appointees and bureaucrats in a mass exodus usually described as biblical.

There is something (I was debating using the word "ironic") of a "full of bullsh!t" quality to a pedant lecturing Powell about his language skills when the pedant, Safire, makes two mistakes in his column.

First, he misspells "strait." A strait is a body of water. The "straight and narrow" is something else, and what Safire meant.

Second, Safire goes into full lecture mode with the detail of how agreeing is always mutual. He apparently was asleep that day in redundancy school when it was mentioned that an exodus is a leaving of many people, and that a mass exodus is a redundancy as well.

I have had personal experience of the trouble one encounters when trying to obtain a correction to a William Safire mistake. I find it shocking that the New York Times, if for no other reason than their own profit margin, doesn't hold Safire to the same standards every college newspaper reporter is held to.

I e-mailed the Times (the ombud, the editor, the corrections page, even sent a letter to the editor). I am pretty sure I will not hear back from any of them.

Sad. So sad.

A Friday

2004-11-19T19:59:00.000-05:00

Went looking for Hogan's Heroes DVDs today.

First, I went looking for the program on television. The Hallmark Channel – the same people who helped bring about the conclusion to the Farscape series after it was canceled at the end of its last season – also air Hogan's Heroes, albeit on Saturday at 6 a.m.

So kudos to Hallmark.

Unfortunately, I don't get Hallmark on my cable provider. So I went looking for DVDs.

Columbia House has the series. It's the usual sort of set up for these sorts of subscription services: you get the first one for a reduced price, and then it's about $15 each from that point.

So let's get a few more details.

Hogan's Heroes ran 168 episodes. Each DVD apparently has six episodes. That's 28 DVDs. Twenty-seven @$15 and one @$5 adds up to $310. Let's not even touch the issue of shipping and handling. Round up a touch and call it $400.

Wow! That's a lot for a show I used to watch as a kid every single day for free!

Where Do the Simpsons Live?

2004-11-16T13:53:00.000-05:00

Where Do the Simpsons Live?
updated: November 2004

Number of states removed from consideration: 37 (and Washington, D.C.)

Simpsons Reality.

Although a recent episode's opening credits featured an extended pull-away shot (from the couch to the room to the house to the neighborhood to the city and so on until the camera's point of view is miles up). From that, it appears that the Simpsons state is somewhere slightly to the west of the Great Lakes.

This doesn't count!

Why? Again, my rules. You don't like it, take your ball and go home. You stink!

I posit that the Simpson family occupies a Springfield in a universe similar to our own. According to multiverse theory, some version of reality incorporates the Simpsons as "real" persons. In that reality, the Simpsons visit a place called "Five Corners" where five of the states in the continental U.S. meet. In our reality, the closest the U.S. gets is "Four Corners."

Therefore, the only way to eliminate a state from consideration is by direct reference. So, when Homer says that the family is going to Delaware, that state can be eliminated. Inferences based on Bart's driving habits or conversations between Homer and Lisa about other states cannot be used to eliminate states (other than the states mentioned directly in those conversations).

Additionally, care must be taken with the few episodes in which the Simpsons "break character." In these episodes (such as the "Behind the Laughter" episode when the Simpsons are described as being from "northern Kentucky") any state information is not applicable. Why? My rules! You don't like it, take your ball and go home! That's why!

Alabama: In They Saved Lisa's Brain, Dr. Hibbert mentions going back to Alabama.

Alaska: In one episode Homer refers to Alaska and Hawaii as the two weirdo states (because they are not linked to the rest of the country.)

In Some Enchanted Evening, Lucille Botzcowski's crime spree is described as being in the continental United States.

In Catch 'Em If You Can, Marge and Homer discuss the oddity of the airliner they're waiting to board and why all the airline's flights are routed through Nome, Alaska. It turns out it's the airline's hub.

Arizona: At the end of Kill the Alligator and Run, Arizona is mentioned as being a state the Simpsons are still welcome in. However, it "smells funny."

Arkansas: No information on this state.

California: In And Maggie Makes Three, Homer comforts the shoe-shine boy that he will someday get to California.

In Take My Wife, Sleaze, Grandpa cries out "California, here we come!" while "driving" a car-shaped booth at the restaurant.

Colorado: No information on this state.

Connecticut: In Burns, Baby Burns, Mr. Burns' long-lost son reveals that he lives in West Haven, Connecticut. If he were still in Connecticut, he wouldn't have added the state name.

At the beginning of They Saved Lisa's Brain, although the radio-station contest offers a prize to Hawaii, they later renege and say it was actually to Hartford, Connecticut. If they lived in Connecticut, they would have said just Hartford.

Delaware: In Simpsons Tall Tales, Homer, Marge, Bart and Lisa get to go to Delaware, hobo-style. And Homer gets to give a hobo sponge baths. Mmmmm ... sponge baths.

District of Columbia: In Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington, Lisa wins a trip for the whole family to Washington, D.C.

Florida: In Kill the Alligator and Run, Homer is sent to Florida when he cracks under the strain of incorrectly learning that he only has a couple of years left to live.

In Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment, Bart discovers that one of the cable channels on the television is Top Hat Entertainment. The Top Hat announcer states that the channel is not available in Florida or Utah.

Georgia: In Homie the Clown, one of the other applicants is from Georgia, and each one had to be from a different state.

In Bart on the Road, while Bart and friends are driving down the road in the rental car, Nelson expresses a strong desire to go to Macon, Georgia. Had Springfield been located in Georgia, Nelson would have just said Macon. Mmmmm ... Macon, lettuce and tomato sandwich.

Hawaii: In Some Enchanted Evening, Lucille Botzcowski's crime spree is described as being in the continental United States.

In Little Big Mom, Lisa — aided by the ghost of Lucille Ball — fools Homer and Bart into thinking they've come down with leprosy. The Flanders send Homer and Bart to Hawaii to join the leper colony there.

In They Saved Lisa's Brain, a trip to Hawaii is offered as a prize in a radio phone-in contest.

Idaho: No information on this state.

Illinois: No information on this state.

Indiana: No information on this state.

Iowa: In Moaning Lisa, Lisa defends her jazz version of My Country, 'tis of Thee as being about the Iowa farmer. If the Simpsons lived in Iowa, she would not have mentioned her home state in a defensive argument about why her song was for the entire country.

Kansas: No information on this state.

Kentucky: In Sleeping with the Enemy, Bart and Homer have a debate about the capital of Kentucky and whether Bart got it right on a test.

Louisiana: No information on this state.

Maine: No information on this state.

Maryland: We discover in Lisa the Iconoclast that Springfield and Shelbyville were founded by settlers who left Maryland after incorrectly interpreting a passage in the Bible.

Massachusetts: Homer yells at someone to "Go back to Massachusetts, Pinko," in Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming.

In 30 Minutes Over Tokyo, Homer complains when the family is seated at the Massachusetts table in the Japanese version of an American restaurant. "Oh, great! Taxachusetts," he moans.

Michigan: When Bart's class is touring the box factory during their field trip in Bart Gets Famous, the manager of the factory explains that the boxes are assembled in Flint, Michigan. If Springfield were in Michigan, the manager would have said that the boxes were assembled in Flint and not added the state as it would have been understood.

In O Brother, Where Art Thou, the Simpsons drive past a sign reading "Now Leaving Michigan" at the end of the episode.

In The Wizard of Evergreen Terrace, Homer grabs Bart and drives him to the Edison Museum. A highway exit sign indicates an exit for Michigan, Oregon, Texas and New Jersey.

In Take My Wife, Sleaze, Chief Wiggum avoids coming to the Simpsons' home to chase away the biker gang by pointing out that they are wanted in several other states. He explains that the Springfield Police Department has a motto: "Let Michigan deal with it."

Russell Anderson from Minnesota points out that I missed the detail of how in Three Men and a Comic Book, Bart returns a bottle to the Kwik-E-Mart and gets a dime back on the deposit. Michigan is the only state that gets a dime (there's an episode of Seinfeld that covers that). So Springfield would seem to be located in Michigan. It vexes me tremendously that I missed that detail. Although I agree that this is fairly strong evidence that the Simpsons live in Michigan, I must reiterate that the Simpsons universe is not our universe, and the dime deposit does not confirm or deny that the Simpsons live in Michigan. And combined with other events, it merely reinforces that in the Simpson universe other states besides Michigan will surrender a ten-cent deposit. Still, I applaud Russell Anderson's observation.

Minnesota: In The Mansion Family, when it is discovered that Mr. Burns is the oldest man in Springfield, he becomes worried about his health. Smithers takes him to the Mayo Clinic, specifically mentioning that it is in Minnesota.

Mississippi: Principal Skinner tries to sell Jimbo in Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala (Annoyed Grunt) cious. When asked by Jimbo if this is legal, Skinner replies that it is. "Here, and in Mississippi."

In Krusty Gets Busted, it is revealed in the newscast that Krusty started out as a street mime in Tupelo, Mississippi. If the Simpsons lived in Mississippi, the report would have left off the state.

Missouri: One stop during the road trip in Bart on the Road, is Branson, Missouri.

In Principal Charming, Marge calls in the "idle promise" Homer made when he took the family to the Bowlers' Hall of Fame in St. Louis, Missouri, to see the car shaped like a bowling pin.

In Lisa gets an 'A', Chalmers mentions that Lisa's school used to be in Missouri, but that it got moved to Springfield.

Montana: Homer sends Ned Flanders a note reading "Meet me in Montana" and signs it "Jesus (H. Christ)" in Brake My Wife, Please.

Nebraska: No information on this state.

Nevada: In Viva Ned Flanders, Homer and Ned go to Las Vegas, Nevada, and end up getting escorted to the state line when they are thrown out. As the episode ends they begin walking away from Nevada, planning out what to tell Maude and Marge. (Ned was gang-probed by space aliens).

New Hampshire: In Homie the Clown, one of the other applicants is from New Hampshire, and each one had to be from a different state.

New Jersey: In The Springfield Files, Fox Mulder tells fellow agent Dana Scully that there had been another unsubstantiated report in the heartland of America concerning a UFO. Dana points out that there is a shipment of illegal guns coming into New Jersey that night. Fox says the F.B.I. isn't interested in that sort of thing. So the Simpsons do not live in New Jersey.

Ryan Wall sent an e-mail to point out that in Marge Simpson in: 'Screaming Yellow Honkers', Marge takes to driving a Canyonero. As she is zooming recklessly (and wrecklessly) through traffic she admonishes one driver to go back to New Jersey. One karma point for you, RW.

In The Wizard of Evergreen Terrace, Homer grabs Bart and drives him to the Edison Museum. A highway exit sign indicates an exit for Michigan, Oregon, Texas and New Jersey.

In Catch 'Em If You Can, Homer and Marge are making out in a glass elevator, and Homer mentions that the people of New Jersey should be used to seeing a fat guy making out, as it's on the state flag.

New Mexico: In Homer vs. Dignity, Weylan Smithers gets a week off to go to New Mexico, where his musical is being performed. Mr. Burns is surprised when Smithers mentions there is a "new" Mexico.

New York: In The Principal and the Pauper, the fake Seymour Skinner (Armin Tamzarian) hands a Radio Shack Battery Club card to the real Seymour Skinner. He also hands him two Canadian dollars he received when he went to upstate New York. If the Simpsons lived in New York, Tamzarian would have said that he had gotten the two dollars when he had gone upstate.

North Carolina: No information on this state.

North Dakota: In Simpson and Delilah, Homer's response to a question on Grade School Challenge — asking what German ruler the capital of North Dakota is named for — is Hitler. Homer would certainly know that Hitler, North Dakota, is not the capital of North Dakota ... if he lived in North Dakota. Cogito ergo sum (cogito), the Simpsons do not live in North Dakota.

In Mr. Spritz Goes To Washington, a drunken Homer tries to tell us that there really isn't a "North Dakota."

Ohio: In Catch 'Em If You Can, Marge and Homer fly to Florida instead of Dayton, Ohio. If the Simpsons lived in Ohio, they would not say Dayton, Ohio.

Oklahoma: No information on this state.

Oregon: In The Wizard of Evergreen Terrace, Homer grabs Bart and drives him to the Edison Museum. A highway exit sign indicates an exit for Michigan, Oregon, Texas and New Jersey.

Pennsylvania: In The Old Man and the 'C' Student, Superintendent Chalmers mentions that he once lived in Intercourse, Pennsylvania. If the Simpsons lived in Pennsylvania, Chalmers would have simply said Intercourse.

Rhode Island: In Pygmoelian, Moe's liquor license is discovered to be fake and only valid in Rhode Island. When Carl points this out, it is said in such a way that the Simpsons state cannot be Rhode Island.

South Carolina: No information on this state.

South Dakota: In Kill the Alligator and Run, South Dakota is mentioned at the end as still being friendly toward the Simpsons.

In Take My Wife, Sleaze, the Hell's Satans mention going to South Dakota for a big biker rally. They also plan to rough up Mickey Rourke.

Tennessee: In Bart on the Road, Bart, Milhouse, Martin, and Nelson drive past a sign stating they are entering Tennessee.

Texas: When Burns tells Chief Wiggum to arrest Maggie near the end of Who Shot Mr. Burns (Part Two), Wiggum replies that no jury would convict a baby. "Maybe Texas," he adds on his way out the door.

In The Wizard of Evergreen Terrace, Homer becomes an inventor, he grabs Bart and drives him to the Edison Museum. A highway exit sign indicates an exit for Michigan, Oregon, Texas and New Jersey.

In Homie the Clown, one of the other applicants is from Texas, and each one had to be from a different state.

In Old Money, Grandpa Simpson is told by the ghost of Bea Simmons that "they've got me haunting a family in Texas."

In Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in 'The Curse of the Flying Hellfish', Milhouse's grandfather says that he won a chili cook-off in Texas.

Utah: In Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment, Bart discovers that one of the cable channels Homer got installed illegally is Top Hat Entertainment. The Top Hat announcer states that the channel is not available in Florida or Utah.

In Bart's Comet, Bart challenges Milhouse to race him to Utah.

Vermont: One of Marge's snooty friends in Scenes From the Class Struggle in Springfield mentions that she will not eat anything unless it has been flown in from Washington State or Vermont.

Virginia: In All's Fair in Oven War, Homer mentions that one of the actors in a blaxploitation film is now a politician from Virginia.

Washington: One of Marge's snooty friends in Scenes From the Class Struggle in Springfield mentions that she will not eat anything unless it has been flown in from Washington State or Vermont.

West Virginia: In Moaning Lisa, Lisa defends her jazz version of My Country, 'tis of Thee as being about the West Virginia coal miner. If the Simpsons lived in West Virginia, she would not have mentioned her home state in a defensive argument about why her song was for the entire country.

Wisconsin: In The Bart of War, Bart's group of Pre-Teen Braves is pre-empted in its attempt to clean up part of Springfield. One of the stunned PTBs describes the cleaned area as looking "like Wisconsin."

Wyoming: No information on this state.

• "All's Fair in Oven War" (16th season) — Marge competes in a bakeoff. The other competitors are so evil that she is forced to sabotage their dishes with Maggie's ear medicine. Lisa sees this, and loses respect for Marge. (back to Virginia)

• "And Maggie Makes Three" (6th season) — Via flashback we are shown life before Maggie. Homer quits the nuclear plant to take up his dream job of working in a bowling alley. Then Marge discovers she's pregnant, and Homer must grovel for his old job. (back to California)

• "Bart Gets Famous" (5th season) — Bart, who has become Krusty's assistant, accidentally wipes out a set during a live TV broadcast. Bart's "I didn't do it" spontaneous response becomes a catchphrase. However, fame is fickle, and Bart eventually ends up a nobody again. (back to Michigan)

• "The Bart of War" (14th season) — Bart and Milhouse trash Ned Flanders' secret stash of Beatles memorabilia. As a result, they are required to engage in supervised afternoon activities. Bart ends up in The Pre-Teen Braves; Milhouse goes into The Cavalry Kids. From there, it's a game of one-upmanship to see which group can be more wholesome and effective. (back to Wisconsin)

• "Bart on the Road" (7th season) — A day at the DMV with Patty and Selma give Bart the opportunity to make himself a driver's license. A road trip with Nelson, Milhouse and Martin to the World's Fair in Knoxville quickly turns awful when the rental car is crushed by the antiquated remnants of the Fair. Fortunately Lisa is able to yank defeat from the jaws of disaster. Go Lisa! (back to Georgia) (back to Missouri) (back to Tennessee)

• "Bart's Comet" (6th season) — Bart discovers a comet. Go, Bart! However, the comet is determined to be on a collision course with Springfield. D'oh! (back to Utah)

• "Burns, Baby Burns" (8th season) — Larry Burns, Mr. Burns' illegitimate son from way, way back, shows up. In an attempt to gain some respect from his father, Larry (and Homer) plan to kidnap the elder Burns. (back to Connecticut)

• "Brake My Wife, Please" (14th season) — Homer loses his license, and Marge takes it as one more instance of his selfishness. So Homer throws a big party for her. (back to Montana)

• "Catch 'Em If You Can" (15th season) — Marge and Homer back out of a trip to Dayton, Ohio, at the last moment so that they can, instead take a second honeymoon in Florida. When the other Simpsons discover while watching television that a hurricane has wiped out the hotel Homer and Marge were supposed to be staying in, Marge and Homer's carefully constructed spur-of-the-moment lie-structure collapses on them. (back to Alaska) (back to New Jersey) (back to Ohio)

• "Homer vs. Dignity" (12th season) — Bart gets an 'A.' To celebrate, the Simpsons go out to dinner, only to have Homer's credit card rejected. While asking Mr. Burns for a raise, Homer is "promoted" to a job that requires him to assist Mr. Burns in pulling pranks on unsuspecting people. After a round of hot panda lust, Homer bows out and goes back to his old job. (back to New Mexico)

• "Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment" (2nd season) — Homer gets the house hooked up to cable illegally. Lisa, fearing for Homer's soul (and her own, she's not just sweetness and light) non-violently manages to convince Homer of the error of his ways. (back to Florida) (back to Utah)

• "Homie the Clown" (6th season) — Homer becomes a clown at one of Krusty's clown colleges. However, Homer soon discovers that looking like Krusty has a lot of perquisites. It also has a dark side, as he realizes when Fat Tony grabs him for Krusty's gambling debts. (back to Georgia) (back to New Hampshire) (back to Texas)

• "Kill the Alligator and Run" (11th season) — Homer's self-help test reveals he only has a few more years to live. This impending mortality finally cracks the thin veneer of sanity Homer still had, and he is sent on a vacation by the nuclear plant's psychiatrist. While in Florida, Homer runs over an alligator, getting the entire family thrown onto a work gang. (back to Arizona) (back to Florida) (back to South Dakota)

• "Krusty Gets Busted" (1st season) — Krusty is framed for robbing the Kwik-E-Mart. But it's Bart and Lisa to the rescue. (back to Mississippi)

• "Lisa Gets an 'A'" (10th season) — Having gotten hooked on video games while recuperating at home from a cold, Lisa cheats on a test. Unfortunately, her perfect score manages to just barely raise the entire school's GPA to the minimum required for a state grant. Enter guilt. While this is happening, Homer adds to the pets in the house with a lobster named Pinchy. (back to Missouri)

• "Lisa the Iconoclast" (7th season) — Lisa discovers that Jebediah Springfield may not have been as heroic as thought. Springfield was actually Hans Sprungfeld, a pirate who attempted to assassinate George Washington. (back to Maryland)

• "Little Big Mom" (11th season) — Following a cuckoo-clock-induced leg break, Marge turns the housework over to Lisa. While Marge's jagged shards of bone knit, Lisa discovers that Homer and Bart are faster at cranking out the mess than she is at keeping up with it. A little help from the ghost of Lucille Ball helps Lisa win in the end. (back to Hawaii)

• "Marge Simpson in: 'Screaming Yellow Honkers'" (10th season) — Marge takes to driving the Canyonero that Homer bought. However, driving the SUV turns Marge into a road-raging lunatic. But thanks to some rampaging rhinos, Marge is able to channel her rage into something constructive. (back to New Jersey)

• "The Mansion Family" (11th season) — Mr. Burns goes to the Mayo Clinic for a complete examination (he ends up having "everything"). Probably because he's insane, Mr. Burns turns the care of his home over to the Simpsons. Homer and Bart take the yacht on a jaunt and are captured by pirates. (back to Minnesota)

• "Moaning Lisa" (1st season) — Lisa, in the throes of depression, meets Bleeding Gums Murphy, a jazzman who helps her understand that feeling blue can be useful when playing jazz. (back to Iowa) (back to West Virginia)

• "Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington" (3rd season) — An essay Lisa wrote wins the family a trip to Washington, D.C. Of course the city isn't as grand once she gets there, and the rampant corruption temporarily defeats her belief in democracy. (back to District of Columbia)

• "Mr. Spritz Goes to Washington" (14th season) — The planes coming to and going from the Springfield airport are rerouted to right over the Simpsons' home. The family bends its will toward getting Krusty elected to congress so that the planes can be re rerouted. Of course they succeed. (back to North Dakota)

• "O Brother, Where Art Thou?" (2nd season) — Homer's half brother, Herb Powell, unknown until Grandpa's brush with death forced a confession to Homer, asks for Homer's help in designing a car for the Everyman. The car Homer comes up with ruins Herb's company. (back to Michigan)

• "The Old Man and the 'C' Student" (10th season) — Bart costs Springfield the Olympics and is given community service at the retirement home as a punishment. Bart tries to put some excitement in the retirees' lives, but when the boat they're on starts to sink, Bart realizes that there's something to be said for staying home. (back to Pennsylvania)

• "Old Money" (2nd season) — Grandpa meets Bea Simmons, a fellow inmate at the retirement home. Bea dies shortly thereafter and leaves Grandpa $100,000. Unable to figure out what to do with the money, Grandpa fixes up the Springfield Retirement Castle. (back to Texas)

• "The Principal and the Pauper" (9th season) — Springfield's Seymour Skinner turns out to be an imposter named Armin Tamzarian. However, in this case, the imitation is much better than the original. (back to New York)

• "Principal Charming" (2nd season) — Aunt Patty and Principal Skinner start dating. (back to Missouri)

• "Pygmoelian" (11th season) — Moe, realizing he looks like a gargoyle, gets cosmetic surgery on his face and discovers that the good-looking people really do have it easier. (back to Rhode Island)

• "Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in 'The Curse of the Flying Hellfish'" (7th season) — Grandpa and Burns are the last two members of the Flying Hellfish Tontine. Some paintings Grandpa's platoon got during World War II have been locked up, waiting for the final surviving member of the group to claim them. Burns doesn't want to wait any longer, however. (back to Texas)

• "Scenes from the Class Struggle in Springfield" (7th season) — Marge buys a marked-down Chanel suit. She then runs into a friend from high school who invites her and the family to attend the Springfield Country Club. Marge can only doctor the one dress so many times, and, like her dress, she begins to give at the seams. (back to Vermont) (back to Washington)

• "Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming" (7th season) — Sideshow Bob, escaped from prison, swipes a nuclear bomb and threatens to detonate it if television isn't eliminated. (back to Massachusetts)

• "Simpson and Delilah" (2nd season) — Homer manages to regrow his hair following some fraudulently obtained Dimoxynil. The new, hairier Homer is quickly given a promotion and an assistant who helps whip Homer into executive material. (back to North Dakota)

• "Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala (Annoyed Grunt) cious" (8th season) — Marge finally starts to break under the strain: she starts losing her hair. To help put her marbles back in the jar, the Simpsons hire a nanny a la the Mary Poppins mold. (back to Mississippi)

• "Simpsons Tall Tales" (12th season) — While riding the rails to avoid having to pay an airport tax, the family encounters a hobo. When you've got a hobo, can tall tales be far behind? (back to Delaware)

• "Sleeping with the Enemy" (16th season) — Bart returns home with a 100 on a test. Homer tries to back out of the long-ago promise to throw a party for Bart if he managed a perfect score. Lisa develops an eating disorder, and Marge "adopts" Nelson Muntz. (back to Kentucky)

• "Some Enchanted Evening" (1st season) — Homer and Marge, out for a romantic evening, leave the children with Ms. Botz. As is revealed in the episode, she is also known as the Babysitter Bandit. (back to Alaska) (back to Hawaii)

• "The Springfield Files" (8th season) — Homer encounters an extraterrestrial. Eventually, he is able to provide videotape of the creature. Of course, in the calm light of rationality, the ET is discovered to be Mr. Burns, woozy from the procedures administered to him each week in an attempt to cheat death. (back to New Jersey)

• "Take My Wife, Sleaze" (11th season) — At a dance competition at a 1950s-themed restaurant, Homer wins a motorcycle. Homer, Ned, Lenny, Carl and Moe form a gang called the Hell's Satans. Wouldn't you know it? Turns out there's another gang already named the Hell's Satans. That gang kidnaps Marge. Marge ends up showing them how to write resumes and apply for jobs. (back to California) (back to Michigan) (back to South Dakota)

• "They Saved Lisa's Brain" (10th season) — Lisa, desperate to avoid losing her mental edge, joins Mensa. The Mensa members end up running the town. Badly. So it's Stephen Hawking to the rescue. (back to Alabama) (back to Connecticut) (back to Hawaii)

• "30 Minutes over Tokyo" (10th season) — While in Tokyo, the Simpsons lose all their money and end up on a Japanese game show in a desperate attempt to win plane fare back to Springfield. (back to Massachusetts)

• "Three Men and a Comic Book" (2nd season) — Bart, Milhouse and Martin pool their money to buy the first issue of Radioactive Man. They quickly discover that a comic book cannot be divided, and the descent into madness begins. (back to Michigan)

• "Viva Ned Flanders" (10th season) — Trying to make up for lost living, Ned lets Homer convince him to be more impulsive. Ned overdoes it and gets married to a Vegas waitress. So does Homer. (back to Nevada)

• "Who Shot Mr. Burns (part 2)" (7th season) — The identity of Mr. Burns' assailant is revealed. Maggie! (back to Texas)

• "The Wizard of Evergreen Terrace" (10th season) — Homer becomes an inventor, a la Thomas Edison. Unfortunately, Homer's inventions suck. Still, you gotta love the makeup shotgun. ("Homer, you've got it set on whore!") (back to Michigan) (back to New Jersey) (back to Oregon) (back to Texas)

The first hot and spicy post

2004-11-10T11:34:00.000-05:00

Grand. My first post to the blog. Hurray. It's only up from here!